There came a day when the devil grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the gates of hell. I went kicking and screaming and trying desperately to grab on to anything to make it stop. I don’t know how it happened or why and maybe someday that will matter. But the only thing that mattered to me at the time was I didn’t want to be where I was and I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling, and I didn’t know what to do.
But that I had no choice, I was dragged all the way to a jail waiting room in a place I didn’t live and with people I didn’t know. I sat there in that waiting room a broken woman, nothing left in me but despair. Someone I loved, someone I would die for was on the other side of a giant blue concrete wall and I couldn’t reach them. I couldn’t fix it and I couldn’t make it right.
I felt every dream as it died a painful death. I could almost smell the ashes of them as they burned. What I knew, the life I had built, the plans I made, the work I did…all of it died that day. It all became undone like some ball of yarn that I’d spent a lifetime neatly rolling up. Even the faith I had so desperately clung to just hours before was undone completely. Utterly unrolled, exposed and dangling by itself.
And so as I sat in a plastic chair in that blue waiting room of a jail, the undoing of me began. I unraveled. Nothing was left to hold me together. Nothing to cling to, nothing to believe, nothing to think, nothing to feel….nothing. In becoming undone, I became nothing. It was the end of who I was.
But then I heard a voice. Just a soft whisper at first, “listen”, spoken so sweetly. I didn’t even have enough thought to question anything anymore, so I listened. Then another voice, louder this time “Am I your God or not?”. I looked around for a moment. Maybe someone else had heard it too. It was loud enough for a whole room to hear. Again the voice spoke – even louder this time, “AM I YOUR GOD OR NOT?” My brain couldn’t answer, my mouth wouldn’t work…but something rose up in me from the depths of my soul. Something I had stuffed down long ago. Something deep and rich and powerful. And my soul screamed “YES”! You are my God. I can’t think, I can’t feel, I can’t find any part of me left…but yes, you are my God. The very next words I heard that voice say blew me away. By now, I knew it was God and I fully expected comfort and peace. I expected guidance. I expected restoration. But what I got were orders. “If I am your God then get up and go about my business.”
What? How? Really? But I’m broken. I’m weak. I have nothing left in me. And God said, “yes, exactly, now get up and go about my business. Look around you. See my creation. See the people. I want them. If I am your God, get up and go about my business.”
So I stood up an empty person at the weakest moment of my life and I took one step toward a family sitting close to me. Just one step. And a power I have never known boiled up inside me. It reached every blood vessel and every cell of my body. It took control of my heart and my brain and it was wonderful. A boldness I could not tamp down propelled me forward and there was no fear as I opened my mouth. I asked the family if I could pray with them. So we held hands and prayed.
I moved next to a young man that had just been released from jail and had recently served 3 years for beating someone up. I held his hands and told him he was loved and I blessed him and prayed for him. As I scanned the room, I felt nothing but love and an intense urge to pray. I saw people with eyes that were not my own. So I prayed with everyone that let me. And when they were all done and everyone was gone…there was nothing left to do but sing to Jesus. So I sang. Right there in that jail waiting room. Out loud. I praised the name of God. In becoming undone, I became filled with nothing but Him.
It’s funny because I know that the devil thought he would shut me up for good. He dragged me to a place I’d never been before to scare me. He tried to ruin me. But God, but MY God used me in that place. There’s a song that talks about going to the enemy’s camp and taking back what he stole. Well, the enemy drug me to his camp and Holy Spirit came with me so we prayed for what the devil thought was already his….hahaha….on ground that he thought was his. But God wants those people and he wants that ground. And now everywhere I go and everyone I see – I know God wants them too.
My circumstance hasn’t changed. From the outside people must think I should be falling apart. And I did. I still am. Everyday I fall apart a little more. I’m unravelling in the most wonderful way. And now I ask for it. I want nothing left of me. Not my will, not my dreams, not my plans, not my opinion. None of it matters anyway. Nothing I have or do will ever compare to what Holy Spirit can do. I’m sick of me. I want Him. I am undone.